Another Soap Box Moment: Gun Control Edition

I had been planning on writing a blog post about celebrating Christmas in the UK and the great Christmas markets but I just can’t stop thinking about the horrific events of last Friday. Friday morning I was at Kellen’s school going through their Christmas market so when I read the news I couldn’t help but think of all the kids who had been running around earlier in the day grabbing sweets and talking about Father Christmas. My immediate reaction was tears, which actually surprised me because you would think that by now I would be desensitized to news stories like this, it was impossible not to think of the parents and the unimaginable pain they must be in. Since then I’ve been listening to NPR, reading articles online and watching the US news we do get. I am not an expert on gun laws and I’m sure anyone indoctrinated by the NRA could debate me into a corner but here is my perspective.

I was not raised around guns and am actually extremely uncomfortable having them around. I do not know how to handle a gun and see it more as an awesome responsibly and danger that I have no interest in taking on. When I do talk to someone who has guns I always hear about the precautions they take with their guns, the locks, safes, out of reach of children, etc. If that is the case then stricter gun control should not have an impact on them. It would be naïve to think that all guns would be made illegal with no options for responsible gun owners. The problem is that there are so many irresponsible gun owners and there is a fear that I don’t understand to take the steps to prevent these people access to guns. With so many guns in circulation and with minimal oversight it seems inevitable that guns would end up in the hands of the people you least want to have them.

In the UK guns are essentially illegal; the gun laws are some of the strictest in the world. Police officers don’t even carry guns and there have been discussions to tighten their knife control laws… But there are still people who need guns or want to own guns responsibly; there is a long tradition of wild game hunting in the countryside. Those people are able to apply for a license to own a limited number of guns and the types of guns they are able to apply for is also limited.

To obtain a firearm certificate, the police must be convinced that a person has "good reason" to own each firearm, and that they can be trusted with it "without danger to the public safety or to the peace". Under Home Office guidelines, firearms licences are only issued if a person has legitimate sporting, collecting, or work-related reasons for ownership. Since 1968, self-defence has not been considered a valid reason to own a firearm. The current licensing procedure involves: positive verification of identity, two referees of verifiable good character who have known the applicant for at least two years (and who may themselves be interviewed and/or investigated as part of the certification), approval of the application by the applicant's own family doctor, an inspection of the premises and cabinet where firearms will be kept and a face-to-face interview by a Firearms Enquiry Officer (FEO) also known as a Firearms Liaison Officer (FLO). A thorough background check of the applicant is then made by Special Branch on behalf of the firearms licensing department. Only when all these stages have been satisfactorily completed will a license be issued, which must be renewed every 5 years.

Any person who has been sentenced to three years or more in prison is automatically banned for life from obtaining a firearms licence.^[34] Similarly, persons applying for licences with recent, serious mental health issues will also be refused a certificate.

Any person holding a Firearm or Shotgun Certificate must comply with strict conditions regarding such things as safe storage. These storage arrangements are checked by the police before a licence is first granted, and on every renewal of the licence. A local police force may impose additional conditions on ownership, over and above those set out by law. Failure to comply with any of these conditions can mean forfeiture of the licence and surrender of any firearms to the police, though due to the complicated laws, different forces in the UK interpret the regulations in different ways, and many conditions have been overthrown following legal proceedings against issuing Police forces.

It is hard to own a gun in the UK and I think that’s great. Laws like this have made it so that only people willing to take the needed steps to ensure responsible gun ownership are able to own a gun. How is that bad? From a US perspective I can see how the fact that self-defense is not considered a valid reason for gun ownership can be shocking, but if no one has a gun you don’t need one either. If someone breaks into your home you can be assured they will not be armed with a gun. You won’t be caught in a mall during the holidays while someone opens fire and you can be sure a gunman won’t walk into your child’s school. These laws work and the murder rates reflect that.

The United Kingdom has one of the lowest rates of gun homicides in the world with 0.07 recorded intentional homicides committed with a firearm per 100,000 inhabitants in 2009 compared to the United States' 3.0 (over 40 times higher) and to Germany's 0.21 (3 times higher).

Why are we afraid to take these kinds of steps in the US? Why do we continue to believe that adding more guns is the answer? There was an interview with some security expert on NPR and the first thing he recommended what having armed police officers on school grounds at all times. Is that the world we want to live in? Is it better to have 1^st graders walk through metal detectors then to limit the number of guns in circulation? At this point I’m honestly asking the question because I cannot understand when we will reach the tipping point. Anyone who has turned on the news has seen the stats on the number of mass killings over the last 10 years, it’s horrible, and it’s shocking. But think about all of the one-off deaths caused by irresponsible gun ownership Darius Simmons, Treyvon Martin, Jesse Rainey; the list goes on and on. Do a search for accidental shooting and you will be shocked to see how many results come up. The line I seem to hear in response to this is that guns don’t kill people, people kill people. Well maybe if we don’t allow those kinds of people to have guns then less will die.

Thinking again about Sandy Hook Elementary it is clear that there are a number of factors that lead to Friday’s events. When someone takes drastic actions like that there are obviously mental health issues involved and those shouldn’t be ignored. Even without guns there will be crime and people will be killed. I believe that there are more people in the US, both gun owners and non-gun owners, who believe that we need to tighten control on guns for the greater good of our country and our kids then those who believe in no regulation. The question is at what point do we stand up to the NRA and the extreme wing of the conservative party and say that enough is enough. If Friday was not bad enough to spur change then I do not want to know what it is going to take.

Happy Thanksgiving

It’s crazy to think that tomorrow is Thanksgiving for all of our family and for us it’s just Thursday. Not only is it a work and school day but Jamie is in a long day of training and we have Patrick’s parent teacher conference in the evening so it’s a busy one. Last year at this time we had only been here a few months and were headed to Disneyland Thanksgiving morning so missing the holiday didn’t seem like a big deal. This year as I hear endless stories about ways to prepare turkey on NPR’s podcasts I’m starting to feel homesick about not being there with everyone. I really try not to dwell on what we may be missing but one of the things that does make me sad about living so far away is that the kids aren’t spending these holidays with their cousins. I talk to my Mom and hear about AJ and Emma playing or about how busy Edgar is right now, I wish Kellen and Ella had more of a connection with those guys. To get in the spirit of Thanksgiving I made the full dinner last Sunday and then this Saturday we’re getting together with other expat friends and having the full Thanksgiving experience. But since this is the time of giving thanks it has made me more reflective of the things I am thankful for over the last year so here are a few that come to mind.

1.       I’m thankful for cheap long distance packages. If I couldn’t talk to my Mom regularly (almost daily) it would be miserable.

2.       I’m thankful I got my UK drivers licence. Not only was it hard to get but it’s nice to take my US license out of my wallet and store it in a drawer it makes me feel less like a visitor.

3.       I’m thankful the kids have settled in so well.

4.       I’m thankful I know where to run my errands. There were a lot of wasted trips over the last year…

5.       I’m thankful for Patrick’s braces being covered by the NHS.

6.       I’m thankful we’ve had the chance to travel. I think the pure joy of food stands will forever stick with the boys whether we are indulging in gelato, waffles, crepes or fries.

7.       I’m thankful that Jamie and I are happy here together. Talking to others who had relocated we were warned that a big change like this either brings you together or pulls you apart. There is no one I’d rather be having this adventure with.

I could go on and on as I have so many things to be thankful for.

To all of our friend and family Happy Thanksgiving! I will be thinking of you all tomorrow as you watch football and eat your way through the day.

Admissions Angst

I just got our admissions packet from the Wokingham Borough Council so that I can enrol Kellen in reception (think kindergarten) for next fall. I’ve know this was coming and have been trying to make sense of what our options are and what, if anything, we need to do to make sure Kellen is in the right school. I’ve always just assumed that as long as you are in a good school district then one elementary school is the same as any other elementary school in your area. Patrick went to Cherry Valley in Duvall and I never wondered if Carnation would have been a better fit. Even if I had heard outstanding things about Carnation changing schools would not have been an easy option, moving being the most obvious barrier. So you move into a house in a good district, walk down to your local elementary school, enrol, show up in September. Done.  Here in the UK the system is very different and I’m learning that having choices might only end up driving me crazy.

We live in the Wokingham Borough which functions like a county would in the States, and then within the borough there are catchment areas similar to districts. It starts to get more complicated when you realize that different levels in school have different catchment areas. For example, the primary or infant/junior schools have a much smaller catchment then the secondary schools. So we can actually live almost anywhere in the Borough and Patrick would be able to stay in his secondary school but there are many more primary schools that serve smaller areas. So we live in an area that has 4 primary school options, or more specifically 3 primary schools, 1 infant (reception – year 2) and 1 junior school (year 3 – year 5). To complicate things a bit further you can also chose one of the religious schools that serve the broader borough and have additional admissions processes. Parents do their research on the schools then by January 15^th you complete the admissions packet sending in your selection of 4 schools in order of preference. They then allocate the available places based on a series of prioritizations like proximity to school, siblings already attending the school, special needs, etc. I got all of this information at a parent’s information night to discuss the fact that the UK is experiencing a baby boom so the borough is actually short places for the 2013 school year. At first I thought it was great, I can research the schools and chose the school that seems to be the best fit for Kellen, but in all reality I assumed the school behind the house would be the frontrunner due to convenience and anyways what’s the difference between elementary schools… I was completely wrong, since then I’ve slowly gotten more and more anxious about the admissions process and lost all perspective on the issue.  

Since parents do have more of a choice in what school their kids attend there are regular tours of the schools where the head teacher takes time to speak with the parents.  You can also view the school’s Ofsted report to review not only their test scores but also read a report on the overall school quality. I started my own research process by reading the Ofsted reports and decided to visit 3 schools; Farley Hill Primary, The Coombes Primary and Shinfield Infant. Shinfield Infant is the same school Kellen is currently attending, I’ve liked the Nursery program but based on what I read through their Ofsted report and word of mouth I think it would be fine but there are potentially better options. Farley Hill was the first school I went to tour. Based on their Ofsted report I was already sold on the school, they received all 1s and 2s on the quality of education, behaviour, social development, etc. I arrived at the school and found it to be surprisingly small; they only have one class for each grade so only have 30 places for the new reception class. The school itself was amazing; they have additional resources to work with kids who need extra help but also to help push the kids who are excelling. They focus on learning instruments and languages even in primary school. It was almost absurd as 2 of the older kids toured us through their organic garden and explained that the cafeteria only uses locally sourced meats and the school lunches are all cooked from scratch onsite. Their test scores are outstanding and the head teacher was really blunt that parental involvement is expected and that’s what helps their students to succeed. Then I found out that last year they received 150 applications for 30 places. Essentially you have to either live next door or already have a sibling in the school to get a place. I left in awe of the school and trying to figure out how to move closer as soon as possible. The following week I went to The Coombes, before going everyone I had talked to said the Coombes is ‘different’ but no one could explain what they meant. They also had a solid Ofsted report and are fairly close to the house. I was surprised by how large this school was, physically the campus was really big and had fields, ponds, learning areas and even a goat. Going through the tour I started to learn what was different about this school. First off there are no uniforms which is very rare in this area. They also do a lot of their teaching through physical learning, one example the head teacher gave was instead of asking kids to write a descriptive paragraph about a picture of a horse they actually bring a horse to campus learn about horses and then go inside and write about it. They keep the kids very physically active and it is much more of nurture the soul type environment. Another American mom I’ve met compared it to a Montessori.  I left thinking that there were so many really neat things about the school but worried about when they did basic things like spelling.

I’ve spent the last month or so with my heart set on Farley Hill, intrigued by the Coombes but somewhat nervous, and feeling like with all of the oversubscription issues we’ll probably end up at a Shinfield Infant expansion classroom and poor Kellen will be going to school in a construction site. Is more choice better? I’m not so sure anymore. Each school really is so different from the others that I worry about making the wrong choice. Jamie of course tries to be the voice of reason pointing out that we are taking about reception not university.

These Boots Are Made For Walking

Here’s a short video of Ella walking. There are actually no boots involved but she does look very cute doing it. I think I need to get her a pair just so I have a better excuse for loving the song.

 

 

Red State Blue State

Since it's finally election day I had to share this Red State Blue State episode of This American Life. Funny and alarming perspective on the growing political divide in the US. I caught myself doing exactly what they are talking about. There's also a shocking story on New Hampshire, I had no idea.

This American Life

Please Protect My Rights!

With the election just days away I thought I’d send out a last ditch plea to everyone who hasn’t voted yet. With the absentee ballot process in Washington it couldn’t be easier to fill it out and send it off. We voted weeks ago and it felt good to get it done and check it off the list. If you haven’t voted or didn’t receive a ballot because of a move or other circumstances it doesn’t mean you can’t vote. You can go to MyVote and find information on your local polling place. My guess is that the reason many people don’t vote is not because they didn’t receive a ballot but instead because they are disillusioned by the US political system and actively chose not to participate.

I can understand the election coverage fatigue, the feeling that candidates will vote along party lines and aren’t being truthful or the general feeling that one vote doesn’t count so what’s the point. I am begging those people to reconsider and vote this year. One vote does count and if we all chose to sit back and wait for the results then we will be overruled by the extremes on both sides. This year in particular is too important for women not to take action, and those men who respect women and their rights.

The issue of women having access to abortions or birth control is too often painted as an issue of young promiscuous women acting irresponsibly. Even on another continent the news story of an educated law student being labelled a slut was a big story. To steal a line from President Obama this isn’t a women’s issue it’s a family issue and we shouldn’t forget that. My grandmother-in-law (if that is a real term) raised 6 boys. She happened to be in town when we first found out that I was expecting Kellen and she was spending the weekend at our house. I remember cooking with her one afternoon and asking if she had always wanted such a big family. She laughed and said “I don’t think you plan something like that, it just happens.” Now she is what I would think of as a superwoman grandma and great grandma. The number of great grandchildren she has is in the high teens (and ever growing) and somehow she remembers all of our birthdays. Without fail we each get a card from Grandma Bly and the little kids get one for every holiday, both big and small, in between. Her comment stuck with me though because she didn’t have a choice.

This election we are voting to decide whether or not we are going to go back to the days where even married couples in committed relationships won’t have access to affordable and reliable birth control. There is a reason when I was growing up that the average number of kids is 2.5, families planned for the children they were going to have. Jamie and I decided to have 3 kids; we don’t want to have 3 more. We would not be able to provide 6 kids with the opportunity that we can provide our 3. Could we afford 6 kids on one income? No. Could we afford childcare so that I could work to support 6 kids? No. Would society as a whole be better off or somehow godlier if we had 6 kids? No

Allowing a president into office that would allow insurance companies to deny coverage for birth control, or allowing the personal beliefs of pharmacists to impact women’s access to their doctor prescribed birth control is not acceptable. If family planning becomes something that is not only too expensive but also somehow made to be something shameful by having to seek out a pharmacy that will fill your prescription would be a giant step back for women’s rights. You also set up a system where there are have and have nots in the area of birth control where those who can least afford additional children have reduced access to the tools to be thoughtful around their family planning.

This is to say nothing about politicians making decisions for women who have found themselves in the horrific situation of being victims of rape or incest. Women whose pregnancies may be life threatening or for a number of tragic reasons don’t feel they can have a child. Giving women a choice doesn’t prevent those who chose to have large families from doing so. It doesn’t force women to have an abortion. It doesn’t legislate morality for others. It allows women to make a decision with their family and their doctor about what is the right choice for them personally given their own unique situation.

So my plea is this. This is an issue that impacts not only young single women but it is about those of us who are mothers and want the right to choose how many children we will have. It’s about our mothers who set that national average of 2.5 kids; they need to vote so that we have the same choice. To the men in our lives these are your rights too. We don’t make these decisions alone. So please even if you hate the debates and the Sunday morning news shows, the negative attack ads, etc. Please vote in the national election and your state election too. It takes a minute to fill out a ballot and stick it back in the mailbox. There are bigger issues at stake here than just taxes. I look at Ella and I want to fight for her to have a choice, whether that is no kids, 6 kids or 2.5.

Good Morning Song

Here’s one of Kellen being cute…

There must be something I need?!

With no where to go they all have to play together.

 

Anyone I’ve talked to over the last year knows that the lack of space has been the biggest adjustment to life in England. I now realize how spoiled we were to have so much space before moving, just the thought of a 3 car garage or a pantry sounds like absurd luxury today. When we first moved I was shocked, as I’m sure I’ve written about before, but there are no closets, no bathroom drawers, not even a full size fridge. The first few months were a painful transition and I felt like I was living in an over sized playhouse instead of a family home. Today we’ve adjusted, while I would love some more room we have made the space work.

Yesterday I had to go to Tesco to get Patrick a clipboard for his overnight trip to Northern France (he just left today and this is just one of multiple France trips he has this year). Think of Tesco like a cheaper, poorly merchandised version of Target. When we first moved my Mom and I hunted down a Tesco figuring it would be the answer we were looking for while trying to get the house sorted and needed all sorts of odds and ends. In reality I think I’ve been 3 times all year. I go to the grocery store multiple times each week and then also make regular trips to the pharmacy for toiletries, so when I need something that doesn’t fall into those two categories I figure a trip to Tesco is in order. So Ella and I dropped Kellen off at school and tracked down the Tesco Superstore. Now I used to make trips to Target all the time and it seems like I would go in for a few specific items and leave with all sorts of random things I ‘needed’. So pulling into the Tesco parking lot I assumed that I had all sorts of things waiting for me inside that I couldn’t live without.

Ella and I started our tour of the store and aisle after aisle there was nothing I needed. I was trying to rack my brain, what was it I would buy at Target and where was it located in this store? I could not think of one must have item that I’ve been living without. I ended up only buying the clipboard and travel size toothpaste for Jamie’s work trip this week. As I was checking out I had a feeling I was forgetting something. There must be something we need; I’ve come all the way to Tesco! As I walked out with my empty bags (you bring your own bags everywhere here) it hit me, when you have no space every purchase you make means something else needs to go. So suddenly not only am I spending money on Halloween themed kitchen towels I don’t need but I will have to literally get rid of existing kitchen towels in order to make room for the new ones.

As I drove home the beauty of less space started to dawn on me. When we packed our things to move it was shocking to see the amount of stuff we had. Ceiling racks full of random things in the garage, closets in each room packed full of useless stuff, even a pantry full of more food then we could eat in a month. Now when something is no longer of immediate use it’s to the tip. The tip, or the Household Waste Recycling Centre, is a blend of the dump; recycling centre and donation drop off. It’s free and has bays for different kinds of waste paper, clothing, yard waste, etc. Anything that can be recycled is or it goes to general household waste. I load up my trunk and swing through whenever we have larger items to get rid of; it’s my new favourite place. So in our new world I regularly go through things like kid’s clothes, anything too small is in a bag and to the tip. Toys have out grown, to the tip. Jamie does sweeps of the garage, to the tip.

Today we have less stuff. Initially the space was a forcing function but today it turns out a lot of that stuff just isn’t worth it. When forced to make a physical trade off, if I buy some random kitchen item I will then have to get rid of an existing kitchen item, it turns out you don’t really want most of the things you see in the store. I did breakdown and buy a slow cooker through Amazon, it just arrived on Monday and I’ve used it each night just because I can’t figure out where I’m going to store it. So on the limited counter space is a large reminder that I really shouldn’t buy things I don’t have room for.

Overall I would love another room, a bigger fridge, some closet space and the thought of having a laundry room is enough to make me miss the States. But in reality I think we are learning some good lessons on the difference between want and need (we still have a lot to learnJ) and really are changing certain aspects of our lifestyle. We are still consumers but not quite in the same pointless way. A wake up call for me is that I still can’t quite remember what it was that I couldn’t live without each visit to Target.

Ch ch ch changes

There are times when it feels like we’ve moved from one stage to the next so Kellen starting school last week has marked a new phase in our house. First of all he loves school. They call this year Foundation 1 (preschool) so he goes and gets to play with other kids for 3 hours each morning. The room is set up as stations and the kids get to move around freely to play in each area, they also have outside play time. He gets a little snack which requires them first sitting quietly on the rug before moving to the snack tables but overall it’s play time. Each Monday and Wednesday a couple new kids join the class so it won’t be until the end of October that the whole class has started. It’s a nice transition into learning the basics of going to school. They are all 3 so little things like using a school bathroom, getting into the routine of hanging up your coat, sitting nicely during snack, those are all big lessons.

So far the sand table is his favourite, there are dinosaurs buried in the sand so digging them out provides endless entertainment. He has started bringing his paintings home and can proudly make the signs for milk and please. Once a week they go to music in the big kid section of the school and Kellen was showing off his new songs on our walk home on Monday. Overall it has been great for him, he was ready to go and is excited each morning.

Almost a bigger change has been Ella over the last few weeks. She is not only cruising but she is incredibly independent. On Sunday we had friends over for dinner and the back door was open since it was a nice day, suddenly we look out and there is Ella in the backyard inside the toy car looking pleased with herself. Now that Kellen is in school each morning we are enjoying Ella and Mama one on one time. It feels like such a treat to have uninterrupted time with Ella and be able to give her all my attention.  She is now a toddler who acts silly to make her brothers laugh and gets incredibly impatient when she doesn’t get what she wants.

There was a point when Ella was about 6 months old that I felt so sad that Ella was my last baby. To not have the joy and excitement of a newborn again, the special bond that you have with an infant. I joked that I didn’t want any more kids just babies. I felt like every time Ella changed or moved on to a new stage I wished she would slow down, I wanted to enjoy every moment. Now as she becomes a toddler I’m enjoying not having a tiny baby anymore. We were able to get rid of the swing and exersaucer; I don’t have to make baby food anymore, no more nursing any time of day or night. While I still need to carry diapers a large purse is now enough, my diaper bag days are over. 

As we settle into our new routine of sending both boys off to school in the morning. I’ll be daydreaming of the days when our house is changing table free.

Bonjour Paris!

This past weekend I got a unique chance to take a break from full time mommyhood and have a weekend all to myself. Jamie often travels to Paris for work and Patrick is actually going in October for this class’ fall trip. We briefly drove into Paris last fall when we went to Paris Disney but other than one evening I hadn’t been yet. Jamie and I were talking about what a shame it is to have such an amazing city so close but it really offers so much for adults and little for kids so we haven’t gone yet. Living out here we also see great deals to go visit cities but once you factor in 5 tickets instead of just 1 or 2 suddenly it’s a little too expensive for a weekend. So this last weekend I went to Paris on my own.

I flew out on Friday afternoon, eager to have some space and time to myself. I think I have only left Kellen overnight 3 times, once on our anniversary just after he turned 1, once for work, and then to stay in hospital when I had Ella. There may be one other night he spent the night at Grandma and Papa’s but I don’t think so. Up until now I had never left Ella overnight. I have been trying to wean her over the last few weeks but she has been resistant so this was also a good way to physically get some separation and finally wean her altogether. So as we drove to the airport I was feeling super anxious about leaving the babies, I know that Jamie is good with the kids and perfectly experienced and capable of taking care of them, but there must be a mothering hormone that kicks in when faced with the reality that we were going to be separated that made me extremely uneasy. The amazing thing is that once they dropped me off at Heathrow and I got through security I somehow relaxed in a way that I haven’t in 3 years. I kept feeling like I was forgetting something but no it really was just me. I got a coffee, sat quietly and read a little before the flight, it was amazing.

Once I arrived in Paris the fact that I really should learn French was painfully highlighted. I flew into Orly so I was able to take the train directly in to the city and my hotel was actually on the same train line so that was easy enough. I checked in, browsed my Paris book and decided to head towards Notre Dame for dinner. It was on my train line so it should be easy to hop on the train and be there within 15 minutes or so, it was already around 8:00 so I was hungry. I walked down to the Metro stop and confirmed with information where I needed to go, somehow I got this totally wrong because once I was on the train I realized that not only was I headed the wrong direction but I was essentially headed directly into the ghetto. I found myself at some random station, it was dark, it was full of young men in their 20’s that were a tougher crowd then I would chose to be thrown in with on my own with ipad and camera in my bag… So at this point I’m genuinely scared, this rarely happens, and I’m trying to figure out the trains. At one point I thought I needed to wait another hour, I was so frustrated, and finally I found another train and was on my way. I finally got to Notre Dame around 9:30, starving and not exactly in love with Paris yet.  I walked around the area taking in the brasseries and bars. It was packed with people, the food looked great and you can’t beat a view of Notre Dame lit up at night. I sat and had a long meal then chose to treat myself to a taxi ride directly back to the hotel.

One benefit to my mix up the night before was that Saturday morning I was much more aware of how the trains worked, how to read the screen, and what directly I wanted to be heading in. I decided to head as far west as I planned on going that day then spent the rest of the day heading east in a roundabout way. It’s amazing how much you can see without 3 kids in tow. I started at the Eiffel Tower and then walked toward the Champs-Élysées walking along the Seine and taking in the alleys and vendors as I made my way along. When I reached the end of the Champs-Élysées I started walking up toward the Arc de Triomphe. The view looking up the street was impressive but lining the street I reached an Abercrombie and Fitch with a line outside and looked across the street to see a Quicksilver store. At that point I turned around and jumped on the Metro to head to the Louvre, regardless of how dressed up it is I wasn’t interested in shopping at Abercrombie this weekend. The Louvre is massive there is so much to see. I got one of the audio guides and it was really nice because you could set it to give you general information on the areas you enter then select specific works of art you want more information on. As usual the sculptures were my favorite. I don’t know what it is about them that I find so amazing. I think it is the ability to make stone look light, and soft and pliable, the figures are beautiful and sad. I can spend all day going through the sculptures in detail. But of course you can’t go to the Louvre and not see the Mona Lisa. The difference in crowd size in the hall containing the Mona Lisa was amazing; it was also a bit concerning that throughout the museum there were pick pocket warning signs.

 

After about 2 ½ hours I was exhausted and looking forward to sitting for a while. I first took a little break in the gardens outside of the Louvre while I planned my next stop. I decided to head back towards Notre Dame to grab some lunch then tour the cathedral. After my quick brasserie stop, which confirmed my long held belief that anything is made better with a fried egg on top, I queued up to enter the cathedral. It was wonderful. It is an active church so there was service taking place in a small chapel towards the back, there were confessions taking place, the windows were striking and as with most cathedrals there were beautiful statues throughout. I think this was one of the highlights of the weekend for me. I enjoy cathedrals, for many of the same reasons I enjoy sculptures. They can be joyful but always feel somewhat sad because they are so sombre; I also find the signs of faith throughout to be beautiful and comforting.

At this point I was exhausted and decided to head back to the hotel. This is where being alone can be such a luxury, I was able to put my feet up and read the paper uninterrupted. It felt so indulgent and restful that by 7:00 I was ready to go again.

I decided to head to Montmartre for dinner. I saw the Moulin Rouge; at €175 for dinner and a show all I did was see it from the outside. It was crowded with people taking pictures and I’m sure it gets full but I didn’t see many going in. I went a few blocks up the hill and found a brasserie for dinner. An older French woman arrived just as I did and we had a long conversation, she spoke no English and I speak no French so we didn’t cover much but we gave it our best shot. She is from Paris and lives in Montmartre and seemed to know half the people who walked by. She left after having her drink but I enjoyed the company.  After a relaxed dinner and a brief walk around the neighbourhood I headed in for the night. It was my only full day in Paris and I felt like I had seen a lot. My legs ached and my feet were done for the day.

The next morning I actually got to sleep in uninterrupted which is an unheard of experience these days. Once I was up I felt ready to be home with the kids. One day away felt free and exciting and the long nights sleep were definitely welcome but I missed my crew. When Jamie said that Ella and Patrick weren’t feeling well I was even more ready to be home. My flight was early that afternoon so before heading out I went to the Left Bank where I walked around had a crepe from a sidewalk stand and enjoyed my last few hours in Paris.

 Getting off the flight I was so excited to see the kids, Jamie and Ella were waiting for me at arrivals. I hurried over expecting Ella to light up at the sight of me, instead she waved and kind of snuggled me as I held her but this was not the reaction I was looking for. Once we got home I hurried in to see Kellen and Patrick. Again they were both happy enough to see me but the enthusiasm level was low. So the lesson of the weekend was first, some time to recharge and check out by myself is much needed every few years (hopefully sooner next time), once the kids are old enough Jamie and I can go together. My second lesson was that I missed all of them way more then they missed me. So the next time I’m sick of someone hanging on me, interrupting me, hovering around, I should be thankful. Turns out they do better without me then I do without them.

Soap Box Moment

It has been about a month since my last post and a lot has happened. We had an unexpected trip back to Seattle. It was a surreal experience both because our reason for going was so terrible and at the same time being back was both comforting and unsettling. We were only home for four days, went to see women’s football at the Olympics and then we were off on our planned summer holiday. Ten days on vacation with Grandma and Papa were so nice. We had sun, swimming, too much food and great time for the babies to get to really be with them. They then came back to our house and we celebrated Kellen’s 3^rd birthday and Ella’s 1^st. The 3 week period was exciting and exhausting, I thought of countless posts I wanted to do but time seemed to slip away and now it’s a month later and I don’t know where to start.

First just a few quick words about our little Miss Ella; she just might be the sweetest and most adorable little girl ever. Somehow it seems everything is on fast forward and every day she is doing more, communicating more, pushing her brother back, everything. She is essentially a mini toddler at this point and shows no signs of slowing down. One of the funniest things about her is the way she communicates. I’ve always said that Ella yells, sometimes she isn’t crying she is literally yelling at you, she starting doing this pretty young. Well now she is the bossiest baby I have ever met. She has figured out that she can point to what she wants then grunt or make noise to tell you, if you are looking away or taking too long you better watch out. She gets progressively more forceful and angry when she doesn’t get what she wants immediately. It is so funny because she can sit at the table and point to the food, her cup, your food, if there is bread in the middle of the table she will point to it to ask for some. It is amazing how well she communicates and how quick she has everyone jumping to follow orders. On the 16^th her actual first birthday we sang happy birthday and she had her own cupcake on the tray of her high chair, she wasn’t totally sure what to do with it she may have been waiting for someone to cut it or give her bites. Grandma figured she’d help by breaking a little piece off and giving Ella a bite. Ella loved it and then pointed at Grandma and then the cupcake and yelled. It was very clear that she was saying, “You Grandma, put cake in my mouth now!”

Spending time in Seattle and having such good time with my parents of course it makes you think about going home. Jamie and I have talked about it with my parents and then between Jamie and me we try to touch base with each other every so often to just check in and make sure we are both feeling the same way. We are also hitting the one year mark, Jamie and Patrick arrived on September 1^st and the babies and I didn’t make it until early October. So we are settled now, for the most part we have figured out what works for us and what doesn’t. It is starting to feel like home. It was very odd to be leaving Seattle to go home. We like the UK, I don’t think either one of us wants to live here forever, but it is a good environment for our family. Being back, watching the news, reading the headlines online and even in The Guardian we aren’t sure that the US is a good environment for our family right now. This isn’t an elitist, oh in Europe things are perfect, attitude. Things are definitely not perfect here, just try doing something efficiently and you will go crazy, and my dishwasher had been broken for over 2 months now. But things do seem really broken in the US and the trends we see are alarming.

I love politics, I just listened to Ann Romney’s convention speech while I was cooking and I thought she did great, although I completely disagree with her and her husband. I love the debates, I feel passionately about my politics and I always considered myself liberal. Moving out of the US I’ve realized liberal in the US is far from liberal in Europe (I can’t speak for other parts of the world since I really don’t know). As Obama gets labelled a socialist for a healthcare plan that isn’t government sponsored, or even the fact that socialist is considered an insult, is so different then a continent that provides healthcare. Not only do we receive healthcare in the UK, we have travel cards so that we are covered anywhere in the EU. I will read an article about France thinking about returning to a 75% tax rate for the wealthiest and the next article explains that in the US the wealthiest often pay less than the poor. But the truth is although we believe in universal healthcare and would vote for it every time, we have been fortunate to have great benefits through our employer. If we were to move back to the States healthcare would not be barrier.

What I’ve found more alarming is what appears to be not only a hard break right in American politics but some determination to move backwards. You have a movement to reverse women’s rights but hey that’s ok because in cases of legitimate rape women can’t get pregnant. I’m not sure where to start on this, is it the fact that it suggests that there are types of rape that aren’t real? That it makes no sense as far as medical science? Or even better that being forced to carry a child conceived through rape is the same thing as having a child out of wedlock! In Ann Romney’s speech she says she has met with families who want another child but can’t have one because of the economy, they can’t afford it. Yet under changes proposed to healthcare employers won’t be required to provide coverage for contraceptives, so lucky for those families if they can’t afford birth control looks like they will be having plenty of kids!

I’m not a gun control expert; we have family members who enjoy hunting and own guns. I do know that guns are too easy to get in the United States. It is shocking that when tragic events like the Aurora shootings happen gun sales surge. I heard about the shootings on BBC radio as I was driving and the host asked the reporter if this tragic event would spark a new debate on gun control laws in the US, the reporter responded that no the US has a high tolerance for violent events of this kind. This is not something we should be proud of. Now living in a country were guns are not allowed the nightly news does not play through like a list of horrible events and deaths. In fact they are currently debating stricter control of knives, no joke.

I won’t even get started on the wilful disbelief of science as it relates to global warming and evolution. Or the fact that in the last election the fact that Obama went to Harvard was an insult? Right because being educated is the worst thing we would want in a President. The blatant discrimination that gay couples face without the right to marry; or the growing disparity between rich and poor.

So as Jamie and I talk about moving home, when we would want to move and what’s best for the kids the US doesn’t look great right now. We miss family and I’m sure work will bring us home sooner then we realize. When I think of my daughter I don’t want her growing up in an environment where our leaders are splitting hairs over rape or making decisions that will impact her ability to decide for herself if and when she will start a family. I don’t want any of our kids to be in a situation where medical costs or cost of insurance could impact their homeownership or what job opportunities they take/don’t take. We just aren't rushing to be back in that environment.

I’ll step down off the soap box now.

Loss

This last weekend our family experienced a tragic loss and as with any experience like this it makes you question the choices you have made. Meagan was a beautiful young girl who was a truly gifted artist. When she was little it would look like she was just colouring like any other 9 or 10 year old and you would look over her shoulder and find an intricate scene on the paper in front of her. As she got older she became our go to babysitter and seemed to tolerate Jamie and me. She always had a soft spot for Patrick. The older Meagan got the more expressive she became. People always say be yourself it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, well Meagan was one of those rare people who was always herself. She used her appearance as another outlet for her creativity. You would never know what colour her hair would be or how exactly she came to that combination of accessories but hey that was Meagan’s thing.

It seems that as the years went on we would see her less and less. We were starting our careers, having babies and busy. She was a teenager, what teenager wants to hang out with her older brother and his wife? When we did see her she always seemed to be looking for a way to get back downstairs where she could just hang out with Patrick and get away from the rest of us. It was all normal teenage stuff and you just figure at some point spending the weekend at the Ocean with the whole crew will stop being torture and eventually be enjoyable again. I figure this happens sometime between 20 and 25. So we made no effort. Sure we would ask her questions and try to have a conversation when we saw her but really we were so wrapped up in our own lives that we didn’t do any more than that. That will be a regret I will have forever. You assume you will always have time. You assume when she grows out of it, when we aren’t so busy. Someday you will be able to hang out have a beer, laugh, and just be siblings. We have no more time.

I plan on becoming a nightmare to every teenager in my life going forward. I don’t care how much they don’t want to, I plan on having conversations. Actually stopping to listen and ask the follow up questions, try to understand what they are doing, and giving undivided attention.

Independent Woman?

First of all this post has nothing to do with the 4^th of July or American independence, it is purely coincidence that I happen to be posting today. Maybe I should dress it up and say the theme of independence has led me to reflect….

It has been about a year since I stopped working. I can’t remember the exact date but it was just after my birthday that I went on bed rest, so sometime in the next 2 weeks I will have officially been a stay at home mom for a year.  The last year has been exciting, overwhelming, scary, fun and rewarding. We’ve had our baby dragon princess Ella; she is the cutest thing you’ve ever seen and has the perfect roar that makes everyone laugh so she is commonly referred to as baby dragon. We moved to England and have had the ups and downs of assimilating into a new country, and we have had adventures both in the UK and abroad as we learn how to travel with kids and experience new places. Staying home has been somewhat like I expected, it has been a luxury to never feel like I’m missing their milestones or not getting enough time with them. It has also been harder than I anticipated. The 3 kids each require massive amounts of patience but each in a different way, I happen to not be a very patient person so I’ve had to work on making sure I keep some perspective when I’m at my whit’s end. I envisioned lots of fun playtime and snuggles, I get these but I also get lots of cleaning, straightening and dirty diapers. There have been times where just the mention of going back to work sends me into a panic feeling like I never want to go back and I just want to be there every minute as they are little and then as they’re older I want to help with homework and volunteer in the classroom. Other days I have updated my resume and LinkedIn profiles and applied to online job postings.

When we first started talking about me quitting my job I could tell my parents had mixed emotions. They seemed happy that I even had the option, they were supportive and understood my desire to stay home but they were also concerned. Their main concern seemed to be me becoming completely dependent on Jamie. What if something happened to Jamie, his job, our marriage? I understood their worry and thought of it more in terms of Jamie becoming the ‘boss’ of the house and I didn’t think that would happen. Now a year later I find myself thinking of independence in a different way. It really came out last night when I declared, “When we get back to the States I am definitely getting a job! I can’t stand having to schedule everything through you!”

Jamie and I complement each other well. There are things that we each naturally take the lead on. I have always been the one to manage our money and pay the bills, that hasn’t changed. So while the pay check may come in his name I’m the one managing our spending. If either of us wants to make a large purchase we would discuss it together there’s no boss or final say on either side. Just like I am not the decision maker on how we raise the kids just because I’m home with them. We talk about what’s going on and how we want to handle it (in reality we vent to each other and try to find coping mechanisms). Jamie loves to plan things so I actually go into our vacation with little to no knowledge of the details and that’s just fine with me. I listen to countless options as he researches each day and what we might want to do but I actually hate vacation planning so try to stay as far away as possible. I feel the need to research our benefits and try to figure out which options are the best for our family. I get really anxious that if we don’t make the right selections we could find ourselves in a bad situation. I could go on and on; I clean the inside he’s focused on the yard. But the point is overall I don’t feel any shift in our dynamic, he hasn’t become the boss, the decision maker or any other stereotypical dominant man/subservient woman type relationship.

But I have lost independence in a different way and it is a challenge. The current example is the company car benefit Jamie has here in the UK. It is really common outside of the US to have a company car available. We didn’t fully understand this benefit when we first moved; I wish we had, so we didn’t take full advantage of it. Essentially based on your level you have an amount of money each month. You can chose to just take the money or you have a whole selection of cars you can chose from. The company will lease one on your behalf and take care of insurance, road tax and maintenance. You select a car and depending on the price you either just get a car or get car and some money back. So for example if you have £100 per month and the car you want is £50 per month you will get an additional £50 in your pay check each month. Or you can just take the £100. Well we’ve come to learn that insurance is expensive here and since we don’t know how long we’ll stay we don’t want to finance a car. We first chose to buy a used inexpensive car and we haven’t been crazy about it plus we want to do more road trips in the coming year. Now what we want to do is take the company car instead. At the same time we can only use our US licenses for 1 year and then we need to have a UK license so we are having to go through the process of getting our provisional licenses (permits) and then the testing for our UK license.

Here is the challenge. Being the spouse I don’t have access to any of our benefit information, I have to do everything through Jamie. I’m used to being able to look up my own benefits, research, make a decision and take action. Now I have to send questions wait for him to get a response, often times just a phone call, he relays the info back and then I ask my follow up questions, he contacts them again and we continue on this path. It is so slow because everything has to flow through Jamie, not to mention the fact that he is trying to do his job and I’m busy with the kids so what should be easy information to get ends up being a multiple day back and forth. Now with the company car it’s not that big of deal, obviously the chance to drive a new car is exciting and I’d love to hurry the process along but this is really important for things like our dental insurance and trying to research orthodontic coverage levels for Patrick.

Since I have the kids with me all the time there are things that I just can’t do unless he works from home to stay with them for an hour or two. So scheduling my written test to get my license required sitting down and figuring out when it would work within his meeting schedule. It has been challenging to have to plan all of my appointments around Jamie’s schedule. When I worked I could schedule things when they worked for me now I have someone else’s schedule to take into account. I am Mom 100% of the time. When you stay home everything about you is in relation to the kids. If you need to get something done it’s either planning the best way to do it with the kids or planning for some sort of childcare. Even the friends I have made, who are great, our common interest is the kids so you end up talking about kids. I miss being Nicole sometimes.

This is my mission for the next phase of staying at home. How do you prioritize and carve time out to be an adult and an independent person outside of your kids? I love them, I’m glad we chose to have me stay home and the truth is I’ll be sad when this phase is over. But I need to figure out how to also be Nicole more often. Jamie has been great and super supportive of my interests. I’ve been taking one class a quarter through Oxford’s Continuing Education program and that night has become sacred, regardless of meetings or anything else I am out the door by 6:45. I always feel a bit saner after spending 2 hours learning and thinking but 2 hours is not enough.

I’ve finally reached out through a Mom’s network and found a few nannies, or child minders as they call them, that take on extra work so hopefully every now and then we can actually have a night out. I’m thinking I might even be able to use them a few hours here and there if I need to make an appointment or run errands that are just too tedious with kids. It will be a series of baby steps I’m sure until I figure out the right balance. Ella is also getting bigger and I’ve started to wean her (she is resistant) so that gives me some more flexibility as well.

I’ll also keep working on Grandma and Papa, I’m sure they would love these 65° July days, maybe they should just relocate and then I won’t have to work or have the kids full time. That actually sounds like the perfect solution.

Delicious Weekend Getaway

Before I start this post I should warn you, this contains a graphic description of a potty training incident. Consider yourself warned…

There are so many great places within driving distance to visit and explore that we just haven’t taken advantage of yet. So this weekend we decided to head to Bruges, Belgium for the night. Each time we go on a new outing whether it’s a day trip or vacation we learn something new. So this time we decided to try the ferry from Dover to Dunkerque then drive up to Bruges. As we planned our night away we really tried to minimize cost, the more affordable these small trips are the more we can do. So to be prepared we packed a cooler with snacks, drinks, sandwich ingredients and a few treats. With the three kids it seems that someone is always hungry for something and the better prepared we are the better everyone’s moods are. I even baked muffins Friday night so we could have breakfast on the road.

We got up early Saturday morning, threw the kids in the car and were on the road by 6:30. Now Kellen is getting so big, he is officially potty trained now, he does need to be prompted and reminded but he only wears a pull up while sleeping. Knowing that we had a 2 hour car ride ahead of us and that he would probably fall asleep we were fully intending on him wearing his pull up for the car ride. Well as usual Kellen had a different plan. He was determined to wear his big boy underwear so with much nervousness I put a pad under the cover of his car seat and loaded him in. We were off, the drive to the ferry terminal in Dover is about 2 hours and we made it right on time. The drive was happily uneventful, the kids fell asleep, we didn’t hit any major backups and sun was coming out, can’t ask for much more. This was our first time in Dover, as you head into the town you can see the white cliffs of Dover so that was fun to see next to the beautiful water. These ferries are about double the size of the ferries we are used to in the North West, the route itself is about 2 hours long and they load them full of people cars and a lot of semi-trucks. Our first learning was to find out you can’t stay with your car or even return to get things out of the trunk during the trip. In a panic to get upstairs we grabbed a few random items and forgot most of our snacks or any entertainment for the kids to make it through a 2 hour trip. Being on a boat did provide its own entertainment, we walked out of the deck where Kellen got blown around for a bit before heading back inside. There was also a kid’s soft play area that was small but perfect for the little ones to run a little bit wild.

Here is where the graphic part comes into play. On Thursday Kellen started running a fever he didn’t have any other symptoms other than being really grumpy. By Friday he seemed better but poor little guy had an upset tummy which resulted in frequent bathroom visits, being newly potty trained we had a few accidents but that is to be expected. By Friday night he seemed to be doing well, nothing to make us cancel our little weekend getaway. So as we boarded the boat he went to the potty then we had some snacks and just in case went to the potty again, all seemed normal no concerns. We then headed to the soft play area. I had Ella playing on my lap while Kellen was in climbing around the play course. Suddenly Kellen pops out and says “I, I, I…” he didn’t seem to know what to say and was kind of upset and pointing down. I look down and see that the poor guy had an accident, not only an accident but diarreah. I grabbed his hand and we ran to where Jamie and Patrick were sitting, I think I threw Ella at him and grabbed my bag. We then hurried to the changing/handicap bathroom, it was closed, so we ended up in a stall in the women’s bathroom. Poor Kellen was upset and kept saying “look there!” By the time we got into the stall his legs were each coated, he was a mess; even his crocs had puddles in them. So here we are a total mess, in a tiny bathroom stall, with only a packet of wipes. I think as a Mom you must just go into auto mode. I proceeded to methodically wipe him down inch by inch. We went through an almost full packet of wipes and his crocs got washed in the sink. Needless to say he wore a pull up for the rest of the weekend. It was one of those moments that are so ridiculous you will always remember them. I’m just thankful that I always carry a full set of backup clothes. By the time his crocs were dry Kellen was over the incident but I still have the occasional flashback.

Finally we arrived in Dunkerque and we were off, it was only about another 45 minutes to Bruges. For some reason unknown to me Jamie chose to enter the coordinates of our rental instead of address. Our 45 minute zip into Bruges turned into a 90 minute tour of Belgium, at one point we drove into a town that was so charming we wanted to stay and explore but we with the kids we just needed to get where we were going. After we turned around we noticed a sign now entering Belgium, hmm… we pulled out the map and it turns out we were so off track we actually drove into the Netherlands. But eventually we found the right place, unloaded, got settled and headed into Bruges. We’re lucky to have 3 good car sleepers so for Jamie and me it was actually a really nice tour of the area. Belgium feels nice, the houses are set back from the street, everything was orderly, and the people are cruising around on bikes everywhere. Jamie even commented, “This is weird, everyone looks so happy.” I have always heard about the number of bikes in Amsterdam and other European countries but this was the first time I’ve really seen how much easier a bike can be. The bike lanes are not right on the street but instead next to the sidewalk, so as a rider you aren’t in fear of getting run over but instead have your own space, traffic signals and you have the right away. Everyone seemed to be on bike; young or old, male or female. The entire area was flat so a quick pedal to the store or into town looked not only practical but fun. There are canals through the city, the buildings are ‘Flemish gothic’ (according to our tour guide Jamie) and the people were so friendly. On Saturday night after dinner outside next to a canal we were looking for the best bus route home, Jamie asked a driver and he said jump in I’ll take you, he literally drove us right up to our rental not even just a bus stop.

On Saturday afternoon we walked through the city making a point to sample the chocolates, fries and waffles as we went. Kellen had fun dashing from chocolate shop window to chocolate shop window to check out all of the crazy shapes and displays. The chocolate was beautiful. One window would have a full scene with chocolate boys surrounded by treats, the next would be rows of truffles, and of course there were plenty of racy chocolate figures available as well we tended to pass by those without comment given our crew. I think we ate more chocolate in 24 hours then we normally do in a month. It seemed you were always walking by a shop no matter where in the city we were and once Kellen got a taste that was all he wanted to eat all weekend. There were also waffle stands that were my favourite. I’ve always been a waffle lover, I’ll take waffles over pancakes any day, but these were different. They were thicker and almost doughy, and then covered in a chocolate sauce and whip cream that was the perfect combination. I bought one to sample and once I had the first bit I didn’t want to share with the kids (for the record I did share). Just in case the last two were too much sweetness there were hot salty fries waiting for you. I think Ella may have liked the fries the best; they are the easiest for her to hold on to. That night we had dinner outside next to a canal and the entrees came with fries as the starch. It was a very nice restaurant and I got a basic roast chicken, salad and fries. My chicken was perfect the salad was nice and fresh after my afternoon of chocolate and waffles but then instead of each of us getting fries on our plate they brought out a big bowl full of fries for the table. The traditional way to eat them is covered in mayo but they served the mayo on the side. I think every fry got eaten and everyone left dinner happy and full.

On Sunday we went back into town. It turns out there was an annual antique fair going on that day, the largest in Belgium we were told. So a large area in the city was lined with tables and people hunting for antiques. We explored courtyards and of course snacked as we went. We took a tour of the city by canal; I think this was the highlight of the weekend for Jamie and me. There were these really cool old homes that backed up onto the canals. The old bridges and the architectural detail you would only see from the canal side of the buildings. After some more exploring we started our journey back home.

Aside from ‘The Incident’ on the boat it was a lovely weekend away. We got to see a new city, the kids had a lot of fun, it was affordable and we ate too much. We learned that while the ferry is much cheaper than the tunnel it does take significantly longer once we factor in loading and unloading time. If you do take the ferry be prepared, you will not have access to your car. There is a long list of destinations that really are within driving distance that we have hardly started to explore.