Off to Oz

Beach bums in training...

I haven’t posted in a few months but now I can happily announce we are moving to Sydney! The decision making process has been all consuming and for a while it seems like our options were changing each week so we decided it was better to wait until we knew for sure what our next step was before sharing. This whole process started when Jamie’s old team reached out to him about an open role they thought might be a good fit. At the time he wasn’t looking for a new role and we actually hadn’t started to seriously consider a move. We knew that sometime in the next 12 months he should decide what he wanted to do next and start thinking about his next job but we really weren’t expecting anything so soon. We had also been having on going conversations about what direction he really wanted to take. The advice he had been given by mentors was to think about what role you want 2 or 3 roles down the line and use that to guide what opportunity you pursue next. So suddenly we went from not looking to trying to make a decision on a specific opportunity that was a great job but not necessarily moving him in the direction he wanted to go long term. The other big question was are there other roles out there that he should be considering as well? Before taking another role within Sales Operations it seemed to make sense to really find out what, if any, options he had. So that’s what started us on a long 4 months of networking, interviewing and eventually Jamie accepted a role as a Controller within Finance in Microsoft Australia.

It has been exciting to think about but also a challenge to feel like you can’t plan farther then 30 to 60 days out. Are we moving? Are we staying? Where in the world are we going to end up?! At one point Munich and Budapest were thrown out as potential ideas, while both sound amazing they are also much more daunting when brining 3 kids along. Once we found out that Sydney was not only a possibility but a real option we were really excited. Everything we have heard about living there is how wonderful the lifestyle is with a family. So Jamie went through an interview loop and was told he would be receiving an offer only to find out there was a temporary hiring freeze in place. So there we sat for about 3 weeks, knowing he had the job but not knowing if or when it would be a real offer. Finally the offer came through, details were ironed out and he has formally accepted!

So now we’re on the road again. Having gone through it once I’m a lot less anxious about the relocation process then I was the first time. This time it’s also easier not being 9 months pregnant and trying to plan for both a move and a newborn. We’ve started the visa process and are hoping to be in Seattle early to mid-July before we arrive in Sydney and Jamie starts his new job on August 5^th.

Here’s what we know about Sydney so far:

The weather is going to be amazing. We will have to get used to Christmas in the summer but overall Sydney is actually pretty temperate. On average the winter is the 50s and the summer is in the 70s. Patrick goes to school with a boy from Australia who explained that they almost never play Xbox because you are just always outside. I think all 5 of us could use much more outside time in the sun. That also means a lot more bikini (Ella) and muscle (Patrick and Kellen) pictures on Facebook.

I didn’t realize that the school system is really great. The education system is ranked 6^th overall while the US is 14^th and the UK is 20^th. That combined with being an English speaking country makes it a great fit for Patrick as he goes into his final years of school. The school should also be a better fit for Kellen since the date cut off for school entrance is the end of July, so my little guy doesn’t have to turn 4 in August and start full time school just 3 weeks later. He’ll have an additional year before going in which I think is a great thing.

We’ve also been reassured by people we know who have lived in both the UK and Australia that the houses are much bigger. From what we’ve seen on www.domain.com.au it looks like we just might get an open floor plan, bedrooms with closets and a larger kitchen. For the kids and I especially this is a big deal. We spend a lot of our time at home so finding a house that’s big enough for us combined with living in weather that allows the kids to play outside almost every day makes everyone’s life better.

The drawbacks of Sydney are price and distance. Everyone we’ve talked to has said, you’ll love it but it’s expensive. From what we’ve heard and read the cost of living is high. Food and clothes are apparently very expensive but gas is much cheaper than here in the UK. I’m sure we will have to learn and adjust when we get there to figure out what works best for us. We keep telling ourselves that some of the most beautiful beaches in the world are free and hopefully within walking or short driving distance so that has to count for something.

We can’t wait to get settled in Sydney, explore Australia, and eventually travel around Asia.

I do have it all

Over the last year or so I’ve read a lot about why women chose to stay home with their kids. There was first the article that explained the increasingly competitive world of being a ‘good mother’ forced women to stay home and set back the feminist cause. Then there was the coverage of the mommy wars around attachment parenting. Recently there was the backlash, in one case deserved the other not deserved, around Marissa Mayer and Sheryl Sandberg. Then last night I read a review of a new article called The Retro Wife in the New York Magazine. As a current stay at home mom I find myself getting increasingly frustrated because none of these voices represent me or acknowledges that I made a choice.

I know there are many women who don’t have a choice around whether or not they work. Some wouldn’t earn an income that covers the cost of childcare so if they did want to work it isn’t financially possible and others can’t afford to live on one income or don’t have a partner with an income so don’t have the option to stay home. In Seattle our life was built around two full time incomes so I never considered staying home a realistic option, we had a mortgage, car payments, a lifestyle we were comfortable in and the thought of eliminating a large portion of our income just didn’t seem realistic. I had career ambitions, I wanted to do my job well, I worked hard, and I wanted a good review and all of the rewards that come with it. But I didn’t get my personal satisfaction through work instead I found that in our family and I always wished I could stay home.

That was one of the big motivators when we decided to pursue international opportunities, it would be the chance to start over and set up our life around one income and I would have the option to stay home. It was really scary to quit my job but I was excited to stay home with the kids. I don’t regret for a minute that decision. I’m not making organic snacks everyday but I am able to fully participate in each stage they go through. Being home to hear Patrick’s school recap, watching Kellen’s football practices, not worrying about missing any of Ella’s firsts, it has been an amazing experience and I recognize that I am lucky to have this chance. Staying home does mean that I need to make much more of an effort to keep engaged in things outside of young children. I’ve taken classes, golf lessons, made a point to socialize with the new friends we’ve made because you can get a little nutty when the majority of your conversations take place with people under 5 years old. There have been points when I’ve debated when the right time to go back to work will be, at one point a few months ago where I started networking again and made sure my resume was updated, but unless it is a great role I don’t think I’m ready to go back today. I fully plan that I will work at some point but right now this is working for us.

Does this mean I am a more dedicated mother then someone who chooses to work? Of course not, there are a lot of things I miss about working and I understand the desire and drive to work. It doesn’t mean that there is any less dedication to their kids. Does this mean that I am setting womankind back a generation? No, this is the part that really frustrates me. Not working in an office doesn’t mean that I have become the little woman who lives to serve my husband. Yes I am the one who is home so I do the bulk of the cooking and cleaning, it only makes sense, waiting for Jamie to get home after 6:30 and then start dinner is just silly. I’m not staying home to sit on the couch I’m home to be with the kids and part of that wants the house to be the kind of place I want them to grow up in. That includes being clean and having home cooked meals. I’m not competing for the most pinterest shots of amazingly crafty things I’ve made or the organic, everything free, elaborate meals I make each night.

The challenge with the articles that go flying around is that they are just as patronizing as a man saying the woman’s place is in the home because they don’t seem to recognize that we have any choice. First it was the argument that the pressure to be a perfect mother doesn’t allow women to work and have children. Then it is the pressure to be an extreme parent so if you chose to work then you are choosing to not fully parent your kids. Then I read a review of the Retro Wife article. The article itself is the most fair of them all because it profiles women who represent a trend in professional women choosing to stay home, although the aspects of the moms they chose to highlight were a bit concerning like the husband who now has much trendier clothes because his wife can now shop for him. The review though criticizes the article for not trying to dig deeper and solve the problems with our current work culture that doesn’t allow these women continue to work. You can cue the criticism of Marissa Mayer here. What I don’t think anyone seems to understand is that for many of us staying home isn’t a problem we are trying to overcome.

Yes there are women whose job doesn’t allow them the flexibility they want or need in order to feel they are fully balancing work and children. But many of us chose to stay home full time not because we failed at having it all but because right now having it all means staying home. There will be a time in my life where the focus will be more on career but today it isn’t and that’s ok with me and I have to imagine that I’m not the only stay at home mom that feels that way. I’m not trying to argue that the workplace is perfect and I do believe greater flexibility for both men and women would help in making that difficult balance more possible. I also believe that I am the one who needs to teach my kids about gender equality and they will learn a lot of that by watching how Jamie and I interact on a daily basis not by who is cooking dinner.

I feel extremely fortunate to have the choice to stay home right now. So I am a proud stay at home mom who is staying home because it is what I want and it works for the five of us. Not as a political statement.

Gas costs how much?

What are the real costs of relocating? Jamie and I have been asking ourselves that question a lot lately. Before moving we really worried about the emotional cost of relocating, leaving family, etc. In truth there are times when it is really tough but with Skype and phone calls I feel totally connected. Every once in a while I’ll see pictures of the little cousins together and wish that Kellen and Ella could have that same relationship with them but I know that it won’t be too many more years before they do get to have that. I’m lucky that my parents have visited multiple times and while I wish we didn’t have to make the trip we did in August it did give us a chance to spend time with extended family.

The financial cost is harder to gauge. The biggest financial change in our situation was when I quit my job in order to relocate. That is obviously a big hit financially but when I consider that Ella is 17 months old now and I’ve been able to be home with her the whole time I don’t think I would count that as a loss. The chance to enrol Kellen in all of his sports classes or the fact that I get the full run down each day from Patrick as soon as he walks through the door are invaluable. One of the moms I have gotten to know just went back to work 3 days a week and she said that while they were fine with her staying home she wanted to be able to get a haircut without feeling guilty. I thought that was a perfect way to describe it, a second income is the ability to do all the extras without as much budgeting.

Until you have gone through a relocation, or more specifically an international relocation, it’s hard to appreciate the cost of that transition. We were lucky to have a generous relocation package but I don’t think we fully understood the real cost of having to essentially get rid of anything electrical and replace it here. Having owned for a long time I didn’t really think about deposits on rental houses and things like that. There was the selling of cars and then purchasing them all over again here, etc.  Through the process I have gained a better understanding of what I need. Turns out you don’t need a kitchen aid mixer and a full size Cuisinart, a hand mixer works just fine or you can even stir things yourself. It also turns out that I do need a slow cooker so I’m not totally appliance free.

Then there is the cost of living aspect of it all. Having always lived in Seattle I had never moved to a higher/lower cost of living area. We had read and been warned that the UK was a high cost of living. There are a few basics that shock me when I stop to really think about it. The cost of gas, right now gas is about £1.40 per litre; there are 3.78 litres per gallon so the cost per gallon is £5.29. That’s $7.90 per gallon of gas! Based on a quick search right now gas in Seattle is around $3.15 per gallon. The home energy prices are also about double here. The good thing is that most vehicles are much more fuel efficient because that’s what the market demands.  As far as food goes it’s harder to compare but I think food costs are about the same. Pork is a lot cheaper and beef is much more expensive. Lamb is much more readily available and seafood seems about the same. One nice thing is products that would be ‘artisanal’ in a US grocery store are basic and affordable here so we always have good cheese and cured meats. One day I tried to give Kellen a turkey sandwich and he was horrified and explained that meat doesn’t look like that it should be red and round.

There were also some conscious decisions we made before coming out here. Travel is a lot cheaper and we feel like we don’t know how long we will have access to all these amazing places so it’s a priority to try and do and see as much as possible. I was complaining to my Dad one day and he was teasing me that all we do is go on vacation. Our attitude is that we better be going on vacations or there is no point in being here. If we aren’t going to see anything then we should be home in Seattle with our family. These are the intangibles that make it hard to gauge the cost of relocating. How much is it worth to see an Italian Nona in Rome walking Ella around the back kitchen, or Kellen sipping apple tea in Istanbul, hearing Patrick talk about his school trip and trying to remember if that day was in Germany or France? That’s why we did it and I think we would both agree that it was the right choice for us as a family.

As Jamie is passing the year and half mark in his current role people are starting to have career conversations with him and opportunities are being mentioned here in the UK, but also in Singapore, Sidney and Seattle. Now this is all theoretical and there are no specific jobs and it seems that more often than not there are a lot of theoretical conversations before a real job is actually available so for the time being we don’t have to make any decisions. But having just gone through a big relocation we are asking ourselves what the real cost is of doing it all over again. I think going into it again we would have a much better idea of what to ask for in a package and we also understand that while all of the moving expenses are paid for there is a lot more involved as you get settled into a new place. I’m torn between the feeling that we are already out in the field so might as well maximize this time, see different places, and get different experiences before we go back home and settle again. The other side is that we are settled here and the thought of selling and rebuying half our things and then figuring out a new location feels daunting.

So back to the cost, it’s not cheap to do this; we are not being responsible and saving large sums of money to put towards retirement. I think it’s worth it when I consider the time I’m getting with the kids, the travel and the experiences they are getting. I sometimes wish we had a second income and more disposable money. Other days I’m so glad we aren’t living the same lifestyle we were before. Is it worth it? For us this move was worth it. Do I want to spend 10 years buying and selling the same things over and over again? No. Could we do it at least once more? Yes, probably, maybe…